


A Universe So Big, In A Body So Small

by Akiko_chaan



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: A lot of poetry, Christmas Fluff, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, band au, changkyun is helplessly in love with kihyun, he decides to make a deal with the universe, he has five wishes to be fulfilled, i am very emotional about this, this is very fluffy, thoughts on the world and love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 15:36:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13126668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_chaan/pseuds/Akiko_chaan
Summary: "When I was younger", Kihyun says all of a sudden and Changkyun looks up, "I always wished for someone to love me."He could get lost in Kihyun's eyes, because they are as deep as the sea and hold more inside of them than the universe."What are you wishing for this year?", Kihyun asks, and Changkyun knows that this might be the moment to say something, anything to let him know. But he can hear screaming from the television in the living room, and the sounds of Kihyun's knife on the cutting board, and he bites down on his lip, because the perfect moment may never come, but he still hopes it will."Can I tell you tomorrow?", he asks, and it feels like he is asking the universe.Kihyun looks up, and nods, a smile on his lips. And so it is decided. Changkyun knows for what he wishes, but he doesn't know if Kihyun will be able to fulfil his wish.





	A Universe So Big, In A Body So Small

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BlackShade](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackShade/gifts).



> Merry Christmas to everyone!
> 
> This story is a gift dedicated to one of my best friends.  
> Teo, I love you lots, more than a heart can contain, and I am so glad to have met you in whatever strange ways the universe may work; I am always here for you and I hope you know you can count on me. I truly hope you enjoy this piece; feel hugged by me, because I sincerely hope we will be able to embrace each other one day.  
> I love you.
> 
> This song is something I listened to while writing, and I don't want to deprive you of it.  
> Olafur Arnalds - Happiness Does Not Wait  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BdfH0CAKK4

"When I was younger, I always wished for someone to love me."

This universe is strange, Changkyun decides - there is an incredible amount of molecules, synapses, possibilities and futures ahead and yet, nobody knows why they exist. We could all be a big experiment, a simulation or maybe just a dream, and we might never know. The world is so much bigger than anything a human brain will ever be able to comprehend, bigger than what is possible to imagine, and the only way to live is to ignore the uncertainty of life.

Sometimes, when he feels light-headed and maybe also a bit light-hearted, he dares to think about it, arms crossed behind his head, glance focused on something that might not even exist the moment Changkyun tears his glance away. He thinks about the possibility that none of what he believes in might even be real, about all the different ways he could live if he was a bit more kind, a bit less shy, and maybe someone else.

He thinks about all the people he hasn't met, all the things he hasn't experienced, all the emotions he hasn't felt. The world is big, Changkyun believes, a lot bigger than we might know and a lot less controllable than we might fear.

And then, when he opens his eyes, and there is light, and he sees him, leaning over him or saying something, words Changkyun can't comprehend most of the time, he smiles, because the world is so big and yet he has the luck to have met him.

The world is big, Changkyun believes, and the universe is strange, but if he dares to believe everything he sees is real, the world might not even be as big anymore.

"When I was younger, I always wished for someone to love me."

Changkyun wishes he would be good with words. Like a writer maybe, or a poet, someone who has an easy way with words, like they flow out of their fingertips like blossoms of the branches of a tree in spring.

Changkyun wishes for a lot of things; at night, in the morning, in the afternoon, all of the time. He knows wishes are just a piece of dust in his lungs, but he still bites his tongue and grips onto the hem of his shirt tighter.

He wishes for most of the things when he looks at him. He does that a lot actually; he might not be good with words, but he likes looking at things. Not that it would help him in any way; it's a useless trait, one that makes him stutter and blush when people notice. He doesn't know why it is never noticed in this case, though, but he is glad. The universe is strange, and he is strange, and he doesn't want him to know he is.

And then he says something like this, and Changkyun can only stare at him, because the world is so incredibly big and his heart too small to contain what is inside. He wants to stand up and look around, search for an explanation of how something like this could have happened, because wishes don't become true and the universe is too immense for two people to meet like this.

And he dares to hope, a slight smile on his lips, even though he knows the chance of such a thing is too small to be rational. But then, one wish has already been fulfilled, and Changkyun dares to hope he has just a bit more luck inside of him for his own wish to become reality, too.

"When I was younger, I always wished for someone to love me", Kihyun says, standing in front of Changkyun, his glance only grazing him as he reaches for something on the table Changkyun can't see, because the only thing he ever sees is Kihyun. And if he wasn't so bad with words, maybe he would say something, because his whole body aches to let Kihyun know.

Changkyun dares to hope his wish will be fulfilled, because Kihyun's has already been.

_______________________________________________

Love is such a plain word, Changkyun believes, such a plain word for a feeling no one might ever be able to explain. Just like we measure time, invent seconds and minutes and hours and days and years, control is just an illusion, just like words are never able to express what they want to express. A word can only bear meaning if two people know what they are talking about, but Changkyun doesn't know if it is too selfish to believe no one will ever really know what he feels when he looks at Kihyun.

He didn't plan on falling so hard. He never did, but plans are also an illusion, so it doesn't surprise him. There isn't any way not to fall for Kihyun, and he sometimes wonders how there can even be one person knowing him without being completely infatuated. But maybe Kihyun is just made for him; Changkyun would like to believe that.

He always looks at Kihyun. He can't help it. There are so many beautiful things his eyes can't see, emotions and souls and scents, and he wants to keep looking at Kihyun for as long as he can. Kihyun is beautiful, the kind of beautiful he read books about as a child, the kind of beautiful described in the poems he read before giving up on learning how to speak like someone who actually knows what he is talking about.

Changkyun always considered Kihyun as beautiful, even when he wasn't in love with him. Because there had been such a time, even though Changkyun can't remember it. There had been such a time at the beginning of their relationship, when the air between them had still been cold and Changkyun had been able to look at Kihyun without his heartbeat quickening.

But the earth turns incredibly fast, around it's own axis and around the sun, and no one even notices it. If light didn't exist, maybe humans would've never found out we actually move. Changkyun feels like that, like something changed at some point in time without him noticing it at first, and now that he has seen the light, there is no way he will be able to reach out for the earth with his own hands and turn it around again.

Kihyun does a lot of things he doesn't know about himself. When he wakes Changkyun up in the morning, the motions of his hands are soft as he pulls the blanket off Changkyun's body, enough to make him open his eyes but never too much to make him feel cold. And he has this little smile on his face, no later than when Changkyun pouts. Sometimes he even brushes a strand of hair out of his face, and Changkyun freezes; Kihyun might not notice the way his fingers twitch below the blanket, wanting to reach out for him, but Changkyun sure does.

He sits next to him in the car, making sure his seat belt is on because Changkyun forgets about everything that doesn't concern Kihyun, and he takes care of Changkyun during practice, giving him enough bottles with water even if Changkyun says he doesn't need it. He stays late, watching Changkyun practice his steps over and over because he is just too ambitious to give up on them.

And then, his arms sneak around Changkyun's waist, showing him how to move, his body moving next to him, and Changkyun swears his heart stops for a split second. He knows the human body can't stop breathing; you can't kill yourself by holding your breath. At some point, you have to breathe in, and it fears him, because if breathing is a reflex, he isn't too sure kissing Kihyun might not also be one. And he has no idea how much longer he will be able to hold his breath.

He cooks for Changkyun; of course, he cooks for everyone. He cooks Minhyuk his favorite meals when he is sick or tries to pay attention to Jooheon's preferences during promotion times because he knows how much the other depends on food. But Changkyun always feels like Kihyun takes the most care of him; he asks him about what he is going to cook before every meal, even if that means having to look for Changkyun in the whole dorm just to get an answer.

It is like a secret deal between the two of them. When Kihyun cooks, Changkyun is sitting at the table, watching Kihyun's every move and talking to him, about the world or his day, whatever Kihyun feels most comfortable with. It is mostly Kihyun that talks, because he has the voice of an angel and Changkyun loves listening to him and his thoughts.

He is sitting at the table this evening, too. The dorm is mostly dimmed, the other members either in the bedroom or living room; he can hear the sounds of the tv, probably Wonho is watching a new episode of his drama. Kihyun is cutting vegetables in front of him, his hands careful in handling the knife, eyes darting up to look at Changkyun every few seconds. They are talking about Christmas, and Changkyun doesn't know how they got to talking about their wishes.

He likes Christmas. There are a lot of lights, a lot of decoration and a lot of free days. Even though they only have three days for themselves, it stills feels like an eternity to him after the long promotions. He wanted to buy Kihyun a gift, something expressing just how much he cares about him. But Kihyun seemed to have read his emotions, because it was him who brought the topic up a few weeks ago, resulting in the decision to not exchange Christmas presents at all, neither with the other band members nor with Changkyun. Probably they wouldn't have had the time to buy presents, anyway.

"I had very, very stupid wishes as a child", Kihyun tells him, continuing to cut the cabbage, and Changkyun tilts his head; he doesn't remember clearly what Kihyun explained to him about today's meal, because he can't cook and everything Kihyun serves tastes delicious. "I wrote them down on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope to lay it in front of the door. I actually thought Santa would come by and pick my letter up. Thinking about how my parents read all my ridiculous wishes, I feel bad now."

"But you always wish for something unrealistic when you're younger", Changkyun responds, his fingers tapping against the surface of the table. "I wished for a unicorn. Well, needless to say, I haven't gotten it until now."

Kihyun laughs; it is Changkyun's favorite sound. "I also wished for a pony once. And for a car. I think I was five or six at that time. But I got once of those tiny toy cars."

It is silent for a while. Being silent with Kihyun is something that is never uncomfortable for Changkyun. He likes being alone, being quiet, but together with Kihyun the silence has a warmer touch to it, one that makes his heart melt in anticipation of what Kihyun's next words could be. If parallel universes arise out of dreams, Changkyun is sure there are more than he can count by now in which Kihyun and him are more than just friends. Whenever there is a pause in Kihyun's words, he imagines what it would be like if Kihyun just suddenly confessed his love, or kissed him, or did anything else he would never do in real life.

There are at least a billion different dimensions by now, and somehow Changkyun is jealous of all the other versions of himself that are living there.

"When I was younger", Kihyun says all of a sudden and Changkyun looks up, "I always wished for someone to love me."

He could get lost in Kihyun's eyes, because they are as deep as the sea and hold more inside of them than the universe. And maybe there is also a version of Kihyun in another dimension that looks at Changkyun with wide eyes as he stands up, leans forward over the table, his nose almost touching Kihyun's, and tells him his wish has been fulfilled.

But the Kihyun in this dimension doesn't notice how Changkyun looks at him. The Kihyun in this dimension is still cutting his vegetables, and when he looks up, the moment is gone just like the words on Changkyun's tongue.

"What are you wishing for this year?", Kihyun asks, and Changkyun knows that this might be the moment to say something, anything to let him know. But he can hear screaming from the television in the living room, and the sounds of Kihyun's knife on the cutting board, and he bites down on his lip, because the perfect moment may never come, but he still hopes it will.

"Can I tell you tomorrow?", he asks, and it feels like he is asking the universe. He always does that, betting with some supernatural force he doesn't comprehend. If he doesn't trip over the last steps on the staircase this time, his test will be okay. If he reaches the end of the street before another car pulls up beside him, he will allow himself to buy chocolate on his way home. If he works out a plan on telling Kihyun and every step of his plan goes well, he will confess.

Kihyun looks up, and nods, a smile on his lips. And so it is decided. Changkyun knows for what he wishes, but he doesn't know if Kihyun will be able to fulfil his wish.

___________________________________

The world turns a lot, constantly, all the time, but sometimes, the world stops for Changkyun.

It is a very self-centered thought indeed, to believe the world would just stop because of him; maybe it is him that stops, while everything else continues turning and changing and developing. Yes, this is more like it - Changkyun's conscience stops just for a second, to let him appreciate the beauty of things otherwise missing his attention.

It is some time after he noticed he had fallen for Kihyun, and every action concerning him is now carried out very carefully, because he is afraid to push Kihyun away. Changkyun is a very honest person, but when it comes to his feelings, he doesn't know if it isn't just smarter to hide them. Kihyun cares for him, he cares for him a lot, more than anyone else probably, but Changkyun doesn't know how much he needs to care for him to count as love.

And then, it is Kihyun who slips beneath his blanket one day, when everyone is already in a deep slumber. Changkyun turns his head, his hands coming down to cling onto the blanket and he feels Kihyun's body against his, even though they are just lying next to each other. And Kihyun turns his head, too, and suddenly Changkyun forgets how to breathe by how close Kihyun is.

"I couldn't sleep", Kihyun whispers, "because of the promotions tomorrow. Do you mind ...?"

And Changkyun doesn't mind. Because there isn't much at all he minds when it comes to Kihyun.

He asks himself a lot that night if he should do something, anything. But his breath is shaky, his hands trembling, palms sweaty because he is so nervous, and something inside of his chest hurting. The world is so big, but Kihyun is so small next to him, and he asks himself if Kihyun would know if he kissed him in his sleep, just like that. Maybe there would be another dimension in which Kihyun wakes up and kisses him back, but then there could also be a million of possibilities of Changkyun being rejected, and Changkyun decides that the sake of one person isn't worth waking a whole universe up from its sleep.

It is the only night Kihyun sleeps next to him, but it is the start of endless nights of Changkyun imagining it happening another time.

And so he lies awake now, arms crossed behind his head, his eyes focusing on something in the dark. He turns his head, because he knows somewhere to his right, Kihyun is sleeping in his bunk bed. He can hear him breathing. And he starts to think. Because Changkyun likes thinking, and thinking is so, so much easier than doing.

And when he sees light in the morning, not too sure how long exactly his eyes were closed, and Kihyun's hands pull on his blanket, just a bit, just enough to make him open his eyes, and Kihyun smiles, he has a plan.

Plans might be illusions, just like time and place, but then, Kihyun and everything he feels for him could also be one, and Changkyun refuses to believe there is anything about his love that isn't real. He has asked the universe - the only thing he is waiting for now is an answer.

________________________________

It is cold outside, snow falling down onto the earth in tiny little flakes, but inside of the restaurant, the air is warm, hot almost, clinging onto Changkyun's skin like a suit.

Minhyuk, Hyunwoo and Jooheon are sitting on the opposite side of the table, happily chatting with Kihyun about something Changkyun can't focus on. He has noticed a long time ago that his attention span isn't as wide as he would like for it to be. He can only focus on one thing at a time, especially when he is as nervous as he is now, and most of the time it is Kihyun he is paying attention to, regardless of what else is happening around him.

Kihyun is eating, and Changkyun loves watching him eat. Kihyun always looks happy when he eats, and Changkyun almost feels guilty about looking so much at his lips, but he can't help it. Sometimes he feels so much love inside of his chest that he is unable to contain it anymore. He fears everything will spill out in one moment like water running down his chin, and he doesn't want that. No, Changkyun has a plan, he has a deal with the universe and he will act like it.

He stares at the plate in front of him, observing the food almost like it is an enemy. He has five steps, each guided by an action. If Kihyun responds the way his plan goes, he will ask him a wish and if Kihyun says yes, he will carry on. What stands at the end of these five wishes, Changkyun doesn't want to think about it. He is so nervous that maybe a part of him hopes Kihyun won't follow the plan he doesn't even know, but then, that would mean Changkyun wouldn't be able to touch him, ever, because he hasn't much courage and knows he most likely wouldn't dare to ask another time.

Changkyun is always looking at things, and for the past few months he has tried telling himself looking at Kihyun is totally fine. Yet, it isn't; for him, Kihyun holds a whole universe inside of him and he just wants to touch it, to feel it beneath his fingertips like velvet and taste it on his tongue like sugar.

Wonho besides him is asking Kihyun something, and Kihyun turns around, his eyes laying on Changkyun for a moment before darting to Wonho, and Changkyun's grip around the chopsticks in his hands tightens. He loves thinking, but this isn't the right moment to think, and so he reaches forward, taking a bit of kimchi between the sticks and letting it rest in the air for a moment. He could just eat it, but that is what he has done for the past three years and he is still caught in a dimension in which Kihyun looks at him as a friend.

"Changkyun?", Kihyun asks and Changkyun turns his hand, the food almost falling down, but he holds onto it. Kihyun is looking at him, and he has that expression in his eyes that makes Changkyun shiver. "You are eating so little. Are you okay?"

And Changkyun hurries to nod, nodding so eagerly Kihyun can't help but smile. And even though Changkyun has everything but courage, he bites his teeth together, turning his body to the side and slowly letting his chopsticks come closer to Kihyun's mouth, his hand below them in case something falls down. It is a simple expression of affection, but he can't help but tremble. He wants to say something, anything in order not to look like an idiot, but Kihyun just smiles happily, leaning forward and eating the food Changkyun offers him.

And Changkyun is still holding his now empty chopsticks, too surprised to comprehend what is going on as Kihyun has already picked up food with his sticks, offering it to Changkyun. "Here", he says, voice warm with care. "You should really eat more."

And so Changkyun does, eating the offered food and chewing even though he doesn't feel like moving at all. And Kihyun is already talking with the others again as Changkyun still stares at him, eyes wide. Only after some time, Kihyun notices Changkyun hasn't detached his glance from him, and he tilts his head, smiling softly. "Are you tired?", he asks.

Changkyun is, regarding he lied awake the whole night thinking about what he is doing right now, but he doesn't tell Kihyun. "Kihyun", he instead says, "do you remember when you asked me yesterday what I wished for Christmas and I said I would tell you today?" Kihyun nods.

"I ... I just wish for you to always take care of me."

And then, he just says it, and Kihyun responds quicker than he can comprehend, even though he seems a bit surprised. Maybe Changkyun also imagines he blushes ever so slightly. "Kyun, you're too cute. Of course." His smile is sincere. "I'll always take care of you."

He doesn't really know what he expected, he remarks as they stand up to leave the restaurant a bit of time later. Maybe he feared Kihyun would outright reject him; but Kihyun is Kihyun, and he cares for him. It is only natural he would respond like this, but still, Changkyun is freaking out on the inside. He feels like a piñata ready to explode at any second. He knows he should make use of the adrenaline rushing through his veins; he has waited the whole day for an opportunity to start his plan, and now it is already dark outside. He hasn't got much time left until midnight.

Their steps in the snow are leaving dull noises. Somehow Kihyun has ended up walking next to him, and Changkyun would like to believe it isn't a coincidence. They are at the end of their group, and Changkyun realizes he has to do it before they get home. The palms of his hands inside his gloves resemble lakes.

"Do you want to hear something stupid?", Kihyun suddenly asks and Changkyun is close to shaking is head; because nothing Kihyun could say would ever be stupid. But he doesn't know how to tell him without stuttering and tripping over his own words, and so he just nods, heart fluttering inside of his chest.

"Last night I had to think about how little this world is", Kihyun says. Changkyun almost stops in his steps, forcing himself to continue walking next to Kihyun as he listens to his words. "You know, if one tiny thing had been different, somebody else would maybe be walking next to me right now, someone that isn't you. And I asked myself, would I be missing you? You can't miss something or somebody you don't know, right? And I asked myself, if it was someone else in your place, would I look at him the same way I look at you? Do I look at you like this because you're here, or because you're you?"

Changkyun's mouth is dry with the lack of words; he wants to ask Kihyun what he means by 'like this', what he meant by all of this, but Kihyun is already carrying on. "I don't think there are such things are coincidences in this world. It wouldn't make sense. I kind of want to believe we were ... I don't know. Determined to meet."

All of this seems to be about him, or about the two of them, and it's suddenly so intimate Changkyun just wants to stop walking and break the clock to make the time stand still. He loves Kihyun, god, he loves Kihyun so much, he notices; everything about him, really. The way he think, the way he talks, even the way his head turns to look at Changkyun.

But Changkyun is already reaching out for him just like he imagined so many times; his fingers closing around Kihyun's hand. Even though both of them are wearing gloves, he can feel Kihyun's warmth spreading through the fabric, and his hand feels so nice in his, like it is meant to fit. And yet another time, fear is rushing through Changkyun's body; he wants, he needs Kihyun to take this step of the way with him, too, or else he will never dare ask his question.

And Kihyun doesn't pull his hand away, nor does he look at Changkyun confused; he just looks at their hands, and then, a smile appears on his lips, his fingers pressing against Changkyun's and he swears he is flying.

"Hyung", he manages to croak as if his voice is leaving him. "Hyung, I ... I have another wish."

"Of course", Kihyun hums, his steps slowing down just the slightest. "Tell me."

"I ... I wish for you to always protect me. Just like I'll protect you."

And Kihyun is nodding, smiling, just like that, without even the slightest trace of a doubt or hesitation. Their hands are swinging between their bodies and Kihyun nods as snow falls down from the sky.

Changkyun still hasn't recovered, even as he is already in their bedroom, changing his jeans into something more comfortable. Minhyuk has had the idea of watching Christmas movies together, and while normally Changkyun would be in favor of that, he can't help but wonder how he should manage to ask his other three wishes until they go to bed. He is almost done with half of them, and he already feels like dying; he doesn't know if he won't just break down at the very end.

He doesn't know how he actually managed to gain the courage to even start this, but now he is in the middle of it and he has no intention to stop. He slips into his sweatpants, remembering all the days after practice when they would lay next to each other on the couch, with maybe their feet touching, or their arms, but never more. Changkyun had always wished to just wrap his arms around Kihyun's waist, to bury his face in the crook of his neck and breathe in his scent, to hold him until Kihyun would know just how much he meant to him.

He really hopes Kihyun does; even if he is oblivious to Changkyun's feelings, he has to notice the way Changkyun is always looking out for him, more than for himself even. Maybe Changkyun is younger, but that doesn't mean Kihyun should be the one worrying. He knows Kihyun's life isn't easier than his, torn between career and personal life, and even though he is so bad with words he always keeps an eye out for Kihyun's wellbeing.

Maybe, or most probably, Kihyun is already wondering about how Changkyun is behaving today. He likes skinship, but he never dares to initiate it with Kihyun; he fears getting rejected in whatever way might hurt more than not even trying.

But things have progressed too far for him to keep up that principle. All he can think about is Kihyun, all he can dream about is his smile and all he sees are his eyes; Changkyun has a serious problem and no idea how to deal with it. Maybe he would've held onto his attitude of ignoring his feelings in the best way possible if it hadn't been for Kihyun to voice his wish as a child; now, he feels guilty thinking about the possibility of not letting Kihyun know.

Because he deserves to know. He deserves to know he is Changkyun's whole universe and more, even if he doesn't return his feelings. That is was Changkyun fears the most; not even the way things would be for them afterwards, but the fact he wouldn't be able to let Kihyun go even if he told him straight into the face he wasn't more than a friend for him. As long as Kihyun doesn't though, he can hope, and so he hopes for each one of his wishes to be fulfilled.

Kihyun is cooking once again, everyone else in the living room; somehow, by now, Changkyun gets the impression the universe wants him to confess. If that is a good thing is a question yet to be answered, but Changkyun just gives himself a second to lean against the table, eyes following Kihyun's figure in front of the stove, trying to balance plates and pots in his hands.

"Are you hungry?", Kihyun suddenly asks and Changkyun flinches; he hadn't known Kihyun was so aware of his presence. Kihyun doesn't turn around. He hates being watched while cooking, and Changkyun is the only one allowed to be in the kitchen with him. It makes Changkyun feel special, to say the least. "The food will be done in a few min--"

Kihyun doesn't get to finish his sentence, because Changkyun's head is already on his shoulder. His hands ache to reach around, to hug Kihyun, but he holds back; he needs to do one thing after another, or the universe might think he isn't playing fair. He is superstitious like that.

He notices how Kihyun stops his movements; Changkyun's head in leaning onto him, his hand around the edge of the working surface. He can smell Kihyun's scent, and he smells like home, somehow, in the same way his pillow smelled like home after Kihyun slept on it and Changkyun almost cried as he lied down the night after.

And then, almost as in slow motion, Kihyun's hand comes up to run his fingers through Changkyun's hair, and although it is physically impossible for him to stop breathing for more than two minutes, Changkyun swears an eternity is passing without him having any air inside of his lungs. The only thing in his nose is Kihyun's scent, and his chest tightens with love.

Love is a very strange thing, Changkyun decides, because Kihyun's fingers brushing though his hair is all he ever wanted without knowing.

And then, Kihyun asks: "Do you wish for something else?"

Changkyun feels like he is expecting something, and he swallows. Even though Kihyun doesn't have a clue what he is doing exactly, he has to notice something is different about Changkyun's actions, about his words, about the way he is reacting to Kihyun today. He bets Kihyun can feel just how he shivers under his touch. And somehow, he wants him to feel.

He bites down on his lip. "I wish ... for you to be with me for a long time. By my side."

Changkyun is coming dangerously close to a confession with each one of his wishes, and maybe Kihyun notices. His hand stops for a moment in Changkyun's hair, and he closes his eyes. He can feel the warmth radiating off Kihyun's body; he feels so safe and protected, and Kihyun answers: "Of course, Kyunnie. I'll always be with you."

It feels like a promise and Changkyun can feel the blood pulsing through his body; but before he can answer, a voice behind them tears him out of his thoughts, making him raise his head as he hears Hyungwon ask: "Kihyun, can we eat in the living room?"

Eating seems like an impossible task for Changkyun. He is addicted to chocolate and everything Kihyun cooks, basically, and whatever it is on the table in front of him, it surely tastes amazing, but he can't differ the tastes and consistencies. All he can feel is Kihyun's hand in his hair and the softness of Kihyun's voice seems to play in his ears over and over again.

He knows he has one wish left before he has to ask what he fears most; but maybe, fear isn't such a bad thing, he thinks, body turning around on the living room floor to look at Kihyun out of the corner of his eyes. Fear is the strongest emotion humans are able to feel, and the most crucial for survival. Changkyun honestly thinks love is at least equally important, but he isn't a scientist and will never be.

Although it wouldn't hurt to be, he admits; staring at the unimportant pictures flickering over the tv screen, he thinks about what it would look like if doctors took his heart out of his chest and opened it up; or maybe his stomach, because every time he looks at Kihyun, something inside there flutters like a bird in a cage. Maybe the organs of people who are in love look different. Maybe there are flowers inside, and the thorns are what hurts so much each time. Maybe they just disappear into the flesh when someone opens us up, and they grow again as soon as the skin is closed.

He manages to eat a bit, imagining roses and leaves inside of his chest tearing apart the food as he swallows. Kihyun said he should eat more, and so he does. Everyone around him is preoccupied watching the movie, and he is grateful for that as he stands up and sits down next to Kihyun.

He can feel Kihyun immediately turning around to look at him. Judging by all that has already happened today, Kihyun might have a vague idea of what is going to follow, but still, his body tenses for a split second as Changkyun leans over, wrapping his arms around Kihyun's waist like he had wanted to for such a long time, and burying his face in the crook of Kihyun's neck.

Anxiety almost rises inside of him, but then, Kihyun is already pulling him closer, his chin resting on top of Changkyun's head, hands gliding up and down Changkyun's back in a caressing manner and Changkyun feels like he is melting, because maybe he has been ice all along and Kihyun is fire, and he has no other choice than to melt to a puddle of water in his arms.

Changkyun doesn't look at him this time, not because he doesn't want to see Kihyun's face, but because he wants to stay as close to him as he is now. Somehow, he feels like this is the closest he has ever been to Kihyun, and it feels so right he almost wants to cry.

"I wish for you to always be as close to me as this", Changkyun whispers, quiet enough for nobody else to hear it, and Kihyun's hands on his back stop moving for a second, his fingertips pressing into his skin. Changkyun feels so incredibly vulnerable like this, but somehow, it is okay, because this is Kihyun. And he feels Kihyun nod as his arms wrap around Changkyun's waist. "Sure."

And then, there he is. With four out of his five wishes fulfilled and only one more to ask, Changkyun almost starts shivering. It has been an eternity since he has come to terms with his feelings for Kihyun, and he was never closer to letting it all spill out. And all of this suddenly feels even more intimate, because if Kihyun is smart, and Changkyun knows he is, he can guess what will happen. Yet, he doesn't move one bit, and it makes hope burn inside of Changkyun like a flame.

The movie feels like years to end. Changkyun isn't a very patient person. Time might be an illusion, and death maybe, too, but that doesn't mean he has any time to waste. If there is an afterlife, he doesn't know what it will look like, but he can only beg for it to be with the people he loves. For now, however, he only has as much time as there is on his clock, and he isn't planning on wasting any of it. Not anymore.

As the movie finishes, Hyungwon, Wonho and Jooheon stay in the living room, whereas Minhyuk and Hyunwoo go into the bedroom. Kihyun drops his hands and Changkyun knows it is time for him to pull away; his eyes locking with Kihyun's as Kihyun softly says: "I'm going to the bathroom now."

It is a sentence, a statement, almost as simple as a word, but it sounds different in Changkyun's ears. It sounds like Kihyun knows what Changkyun wants to do, like he tries to tell him, and Changkyun can only nod as Kihyun stands up, looking behind him once more before disappearing.

And there he sits, on the couch, the three boys in front of him discussing the movie while the only thing he can think of is how much his hands are shaking, how fast he is breathing and how weak his legs feel. But he stands up, because he needs to, before he loses every courage. Not receiving an answer after everything that happened today would be worse than being rejected, he suddenly realizes, and then, he is almost running towards the bathroom.

Kihyun is brushing his teeth as he closes the door behind him, and being alone with him after a few hours of sitting together in the living room feels like being thrown in ice cold water. Kihyun turns his head, looking at Changkyun through the mirror, and Changkyun can feel his heartbeat speed up. Kihyun smiles at him, the same smile he shows him every morning when he wakes up, and Changkyun only hopes to see this smile for all the days after today, too.

"Hey", he says, almost shaking his head at his own stupidity. He doesn't know what do do, how to take a step forward, but he has to. For once in his life, he has to.

"Hey", Kihyun responds with the toothbrush still in his hand, before he leans down to clean his mouth, and it is the only moment Changkyun can move; when Kihyun isn't looking at him, his eyes focused on the water. And Changkyun's hands meet his waist, until he can feel Kihyun's bones under his fingertips, and he has to think about how fragile a person can be while holding a whole universe and someone's whole world inside of them, and how easily someone can break under a touch; how transcient life actually is, and how little time we have for the important things.

And then Kihyun is standing upright again, and Changkyun turns him around, almost without any force as if Kihyun has already seen it coming, and they are so close Changkyun can feel Kihyun's breath on his skin, and he smells like toothpaste.

Love might be strange, but Changkyun loves Kihyun, loves him as much as he has never loved anyone else and as much as he never wants to love anyone else but him; and even though the world seems so big sometimes, Changkyun realizes he is holding his world in his hands in this very moment.

"I have another wish", he whispers, and suddenly he isn't nervous at all anymore, because he can feel the way Kihyun is leaning in to his touch, the way his glance shifts from Changkyun's eyes to his lips.

"I wish for you to kiss me."

He has said it and it doesn't want to take it back. He wants to hold Kihyun's soul, if just for a moment, and so he just looks at him, waiting for something, anything. He feels Kihyun's hands coming up to cross behind his neck, and then Kihyun is already leaning forward, his lips meeting Changkyun's halfway as he closes his eyes.

His lips are so soft, so warm, so much of him that Changkyun feels overwhelmed, his fingers running through Kihyun's hair, slowly, gently, making the moment last for as long as he can. He can feel his chest hurting, and maybe it's not the flowers inside his chest that cause him pain. Maybe it's his soul that is sitting inside of there, and it hurts so much because it has finally found Kihyun's.

He feels Kihyun gasping for air a bit as he pulls back, a smile appearing on his lips as he opens his eyes, seeing how Kihyun's sparkle, and then his lips are on his again because there is never enough of Kihyun.

"Can I have a wish, too?", Kihyun asks as their foreheads touch, his fingers playing with Changkyun's hair. Changkyun nods; he would fulfil each and every one of Kihyun's wishes if it meant for him to be happy.

Kihyun smiles, and Changkyun sees the light. "I wish for you to be my boyfriend."

The universe is strange, Changkyun decides, because it can make two souls meet in a way beautiful enough to make them feel pain. The world is so big, too big to comprehend but so small if there's someone to care about, so incredibly small it becomes a person. And maybe, Changkyun thinks, maybe there are millions, billions of other dimensions out there; billions of dimensions in which his and Kihyun's soul were destined to meet.

But Changkyun is okay with this dimension; he is okay because his wish has been fulfilled.

**Author's Note:**

> Stay warm and safe, everyone! <3  
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Instagram: @akiko_chaan  
> Twitter: @Akiko_chaan  
> Tumblr: @akiko-chaan  
> Wattpad: @Akiko-chaan


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